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I’m sitting in my room working while my daughter is in day care and I’m realizing that I have only a few more weeks of day care left. Soon I will no longer be making the money I need to in order to pay for day care. Now, I love my daughter with all my heart and I am more excited than I thought possible to meet the little girl who will be born in October but as I realize how little time is left, I’m struck with an incredible amount of fear! Am I alone? I hope not and I don’t think so!

I admire all of you full time SAHMs out there. The amount stamina and patience needed is unbelievable. I honestly question if I have what it takes. And the lack of freedom … again, something that terrifies me. As it is my only escape from mommy-hood and back to the life I lived for so long comes from day care. My husband is in his dream job (YAY) but the hours are ridiculous.

I recently had a doctors appointment. It wasn’t planned. I called and asked to be seen that day, a non-day care day. I had no one to watch my daughter so off the two of us went to the OB. I made sure I had her backpack filled with toys, juice, food to bribe her into good behavior and the “piece di resistance”… the iPad.

As I lay strapped to a machine having a non-stress test (a 20 minute test where they time the baby’s heartbeat and check for movement – she did GREAT by the way!), Sari started asking to go to the bathroom. For the first time in the month and a half she’s been potty trained, I had to ask her to hold it in. I needed 3 more minutes! She did wonderful but it led to 3 trips to the bathroom before she agreed to get on the potty. Thankfully it was the OB office so most of the people in the waiting room were mommies and laughed with me at the insanity. The time we stayed in the waiting room, my daughter literally ran in circles. She was having a great time but it was not standard waiting room etiquette!

On the way home she had to go potty again so we pulled over. Problem here is that my daughter likes to play in the car and doesn’t love getting strapped into her car seat. It took me 10 minutes to get her to sit back down in the seat. I don’t like just putting her in the seat – it doesn’t work anyway. She is a very strong little girl! So I have to pull out the counting and threatening to take away whatever she is playing with. That worked but put me in a bad mood. I hate having to do that with her and talking in my “mean mommy” voice.

She’s blissfully napping now. Only took me 25 minutes to get her to lay in her bed, stay there, stop talking to me and then fall asleep.

My husband doesn’t understand. Everything comes naturally to him. When I mentioned to him how I already see where our daughter will regress when her sister is born, his response was, “So don’t let her regress.” It sounded like he was shrugging his shoulders when he said it (we were on the phone) and I thought, “Don’t LET her? What are you crazy? It’s not that easy and you aren’t in that much control over this little human being!” Clearly my natural response is panic and stress. For him, it’s ease. Can you imagine how frustrating that can be for me?

For this reason I hate talking with him about my fear of no day care.  He doesn’t understand. He can leave the house every day and come home whenever he likes. He can make evening plans and then let me know. Its strange and unsettling to have to ask permission to leave the house all by myself. Even then I cross my fingers he can actually get home from work in time for me to leave. For this reason, I’ve given up making plans in the evening. When there’s a get together or a board meeting for a group I’m a part of, I don’t go. I’m even trying to step off the board because I can’t attend any meetings.

Thankfully, my girlfriends understand what I’m going through. Some of them are SAHMs and some work. Both have their own perspective which helps me grow comfortable with the new life I’m facing. I am holding on to this: As a professional event planner, I know that it all gets done. As a mommy, I know that we somehow manage to get it all done. I know that I’ll figure out a new routine as a SAHM; I just may have a ton of more gray hairs before I do!