I just looked back at the handful of posts I’ve written. One of the first was about my fear of being a full time stay at home mom (SAHM). Funny how life changes … I avoided that fear as I now work full time.
It’s, of course, been replaced by a new fear. (Why would we ever just live our lives and not stress over every detail? But I digress.) I have this overwhelming obsession with never being late to day care to pick up my kids. If I arrive after 5 (it closes at 5:15), I feel like I’m late. The fear? That my daughters will ever think I’m not coming. When I was a little girl at camp, my parents were late once to visiting day. I went to camp for 10 years and they were late once. Maybe 10 minutes or something but definitely after all of the parents had gotten there. I was at volleyball when I saw them coming across the athletic field. I honestly thought they weren’t coming and I remember exactly how I felt. I was 8 or 9 when this happened and I can’t handle my daughters ever feeling it. My daughters are only 3 years old and 5 months old and when I arrive at day care the 5 month old is usually sleeping and the 3 year old is having the time of her life. In fact, she’s having so much fun it’s usually difficult to get her to leave for home so why am I projecting this fear on her? She always runs over to me and hugs me and screams, “MOMMY!” But, she then goes immediately back to playing. She does not notice if I’m late.
I often wonder why we can’t just be happy. Or maybe why I can’t just be happy. I got what I wanted. I’m not a full time SAHM. But working full time and obsessing over every detail of my children’s lives has left me insane. My house is a disaster. It’s literally the last thing I think about and the truth is, I am a slob. I always have been. Except now I am completely stressed out that I’m teaching my daughters to be slobs. I wish my husband would pick up the living room sometime. It’s not like he does nothing. He makes dinner and does the dishes and puts the 3 yr old to bed. But then he goes to bed. The guilt over the house is eating me up. Being a slob, normally mess doesn’t bother me but the mess a 3 year old makes is too much even for me. Thing is, I’m just as exhausted as my husband. Once both kids are in bed I can barely move so the living room doesn’t get clean.
There’s more of course, when would that be all that’s on our plates? These days I think I’d be happy working 3 or 4 days a week and staying at home the other days. Then I realize that I’ll find something wrong with that scenario too. I enjoy the freedom of being at work. I trust my day care completely. I enjoy the independence. I would be ok with not having the exhaustion and overwhelming part but, as my father always said when I was little, “When you walk down the great valley of life, you can’t always get what you want”. (Yes, that was one of the most annoying phrases to grow up hearing all the time!) So it’s time to embrace my world and be happy. I’ll just remember my glass of wine that is needed at dinner every day!
PS Anyone want to come organize my house and teach me how to change my slob characteristics? 🙂